When I found out I was going to be blessed with a little boy, I was ecstatic! As a little girl, I always imagined how I wanted to have a boy first and then a girl. You know, so the older brother could look out for the little sister- movie stuff. I also had two sisters with no brothers growing up, and I always had wished I did have an older brother. Not younger- I loved being the youngest! Well, when I found out about my second pregnancy, I just knew I would be blessed with a sweet daughter- The daughter that would look like me, take to cheerleading, ballet, be my best friend! On gender reveal night, all those hopes and dreams were shattered. The balloons were blue. I tried to hold back tears as the thoughts of no prom dress shopping, no wedding dress shopping, no daughter that would have my curly hair, and be my best friend were confirmed. I would never have what my mother and I have. My husband and I had already agreed that two was the limit. What a heartbreaking feeling. I had just found out that I was being blessed with another son, but that reality was so hard to fathom.
Being a boy mom, a true boy mom, has been one of the most rewarding journeys, but when reality sets in with those lingering memories of the life I had planned out since I was a girl come back- or I see mothers with their daughters- it’s a feeling of explainable wonder accompanied by those one or two tears. I often think I have the curse of the what if’s. What if I had just one more? What if it was a girl? What if it was another boy? What if people always ask me ‘Are you going to try for a girl?’ Am I always going to have the gut wrenching feeling knowing the answer is no, but wondering what if? It truly is a struggle that only boy moms can relate too. And like- don’t do that. Don’t ask a boy mom if she is going to try for a girl. It’s a dick move that will bring up explainable emotions and reignite a fire that they have worked hard to put out. I’m not sure if my dad experienced the same emotional rollercoaster when I came out another girl, but I can only imagine the emotions of a man not having his son would be a similar experience.
My life is wonderful- I am blessed beyond measure but that reality was like the betrayal of the universe. Little did I understand just how strong a mother and son bond is, and how beautiful a brother bond, and father son bond is. God absolutely knew what he was doing in my life, and knew exactly what I needed, not wanted.